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If you've found yourself here, you are on an OLD BLOG that no longer adds content. Please go to our NEW Blog at http://ceojobexpert.com for the most up-to-date articles and advice. Also, read John Heckers at http://cobizmag.com . To contact John Heckers for a personal evaluation, call 720.581.4301 or write him at heckersdevgroup@gmail.com. To contact Nicole Heckers, call her at 303.480.5484 or write her at nheckers@heckersdevgroup.com. For more information visit our website at http://www.heckersdevgroup.com/ (flash site) or our traditional site at http://www.heckersdevelopmentgroup.com/. All posts/articles copyright 2008, John and Nicole Heckers, all rights reserved.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Priorities

First, our book and DVD series have been delayed by someone who lied to us and didn't get his priorities straight. We look for the book and DVD series to actually be deliverable by November 1st at the latest. We're sorry that those of you who have been asking about it are delayed. It is about such jerk behavior as the individual who caused the delay to us displayed that this article is written. We apologize for the inconvenience.

I used to be a sucker for a sob story. I’d have executives come to me after they had gotten, with my intense assistance, employed, at which point they would owe me the final portion of my fee for doing so. But they couldn’t pay it all (or any) just then. The kid just got out of the hospital, the mortgage was behind and they hadn’t eaten for months.

I would feel heartless if I demanded to be paid. So, I put off buying some sorely needed item, postponed a vacation with my family, or borrowed operating capital for a month so as not to push this poor person — who then went on a two week vacation to the Mediterranean, bought a $30K new car, or got a new house in a gated community. Well, in my old age I am getting, I hope, somewhat smarter. While I still am lenient toward true hardship, I have stopped believing people when they tell me most of the sob stories. I have also started to send the deadbeats who can pay but don’t to a pretty nasty collection agency immediately. If the agency can’t collect, I have a rabid lawyer. I forget to feed him breakfast then remove his leash.

This points up part of the problem that has caused America to be in the shape it is currently in. I see far too much lack of understanding regarding priorities in many of the executives I work with. Their family vacation is more important to them than paying their legitimate bills. Or they just have to have a new, expensive car. Or Rolex. Or $3,000.00 Italian suit. And to hell with their responsibilities.

These people need to get their priorities straight, along with the rest of Executive America. Our responsibilities come before our pleasure, and, sometimes, even before something we “need.” I’m sure that many executives could squeeze an extra year or two out of the two year old BMW or Hummer rather than going out and buying a new car and pay me or their other bills instead.

America is in the mess it is in because many executives are irresponsible and don’t have their priorities straight. There is a belief that one’s desires should come first. Many executives have an entitlement attitude that has caused many of them to lie, cheat and steal to get ahead. What is worse is that they don’t even feel guilty about it. And my wife a while back pointed out why.

To get ahead in today’s corporations you have to, apparently, lie, cheat and steal to get ahead. You need to be willing to step on other people to put yourself before them for promotion. In other words, as my beloved pointed out, you have to be a general, all around jerk to get ahead in many corporations today. Hmmmm, I thought. This would explain much.

Unfortunately, it explains too much. It explains why executives who had just been bailed out with our tax dollars felt entitled to bonuses. It explains why other executives who had just been bailed out felt entitled to a “retreat” at a pricey spa. It explains why corporate property is walking out of the doors of American corporations.

It must end. I’m doing my part by holding my executive clients who need it accountable. Whatever you can do to hold executives accountable, you should do. But America needs to change, as well, as a whole. We need an ethic of personal responsibility back, and back right now.

I’m sick and tired of spoiled rotten people who say “me first.” I’m sick and tired of entitled little jerks who want to push others around, shirk their responsibilities, and see themselves as above the law, above morality, and above ethical standards. These people are laughing at the rest of us and going to their $5M vacation homes in their $100K cars with their trophy wives and perfect little clones of themselves while ignoring the plight of the people they’ve laid off or fired who are losing their homes. They open a bottle of champagne to celebrate another wonderful bonus when their company has lost millions because of their irresponsible decisions. This must stop! These little pukes need to be fired and, in extreme cases, jailed. These are the people who are ruining America, and they need to be held accountable for it in the most dramatic way possible. Perhaps, instead of just screaming “You’re fired,” they should be thrust bodily out of the 100th floor window?

American business, and especially American business executives, need to change immediately or we will never see the end of the recession, nor recover as a country. Our executives have done things which, in China, would be a capital offense. I must say I sympathize with the Chinese for putting CEOs who cause China embarrassment to death. No one can say that the Chinese don’t take white collar crime seriously!

But in America, the white collar criminals are the largest contributors to the politicians who make the laws, and can bribe the judge (and jury) who will try them if they even get prosecuted by the politician appointed DA or Federal Attorney who is supposed to prosecute them. This is a set up for the massive government and business corruption which is ubiquitous in our country.

It is time for the honest executives (there are many) and the rest of the people of America to stand up to these criminal executives and say “Enough.” Whistles need to be blown loudly and publicly. Prosecutors need to be pressured to do their jobs by front page news.

And, by the way, what has happened to the free press in America? Lately, the newspapers, which are owned by corporations, have fallen completely silent on corporate crime. Free press? Ha! Not when they are permitted to be owned by the very corporations who are ruining our country.

Businesspeople need to be pressured to get their priorities straight, and get them straight now. Our responsibilities come first. Then our pleasures or luxuries. Luxuries are luxuries. They come last, not first.

If you are someone who is putting your luxuries first and putting off your responsibilities, shame on you! And be aware that there is one person — me — who will no longer buy your BS and entitlement. And the number of us is growing every day. Many of us are fed up with executive entitlement. The next time you take government money, then pay yourself a bonus, better beware. You may well find that a prosecutor has been pressured into actually doing his or her job and find yourself in jail.

The next time you lay people off so that you can get your bonus, beware. You may find the cold eye of the press on you, and find that your products are being boycotted by every union member in America. And it would be about time.

Executives are largely responsible for the mess we’re in, though not the majority of executives. Those responsible are the high rollers, the little jerks who feel that they’re God’s gift to the business world and humanity, the arrogant, entitled, selfish little pricks who put themselves above the needs of their companies, their employees or their nation. Corporations need to stop even giving these people any kind of job except custodian. Let them get mop water on their $10,000 Gucci shoes for once.

I prefer a non-government solution, so kick them in their genitals, which are located in their left back pocket and have the slang name of “wallet,” their most sensitive and important body part.

Let’s boycott the products of corporations who lay people off. Make the actions of the corporations known to your neighbors and friends. Send out a list to your email friends. If we were to completely boycott companies laying people off, there would be a few more layoffs at first, and then layoffs would be a thing of the past. If a corporation knew that laying people off would result in Americans refusing to patronize them and buy their product, the “C” Suite Executives would bit the bullet and keep people on, even at the cost of having to make due on their multi-million dollar salaries instead of their multi-million dollar salaries and multi-million dollar bonuses. They might forgo the raise and the bonus to stay in business.

It is time that Americans took their power and fought back against corrupt corporate heads. We have that power. We buy their crap. If we stopped, they wouldn’t stay in business, and someone else would make some of the same kind of crap for us to buy. We can surely make do with other products, or do without.

So, my call is to watch the papers and see who is laying people off, causing them to go without the wherewithal to pay the mortgage, and pay for food, and pay for other things that the “C” Suite jerks take for granted. Then completely boycott these corporations and ask your friends to do the same. Be prepared for a long boycott, and making do without many products. You’ll live. And you’ll be helping your neighbors to live, as well.

So…I’m doing my part to hold these jerks accountable. As of today, my household and I will not patronize any company that is laying people off. We’ll write to networks asking that they not take the advertising of these companies. We’ll try to convince our friends not to buy their products, no matter how useful. And we’ll patronize their competitors who are not laying people off. Maybe, just maybe, we can make a difference. Wanna give it a try? If it works, we can use the same tactics to change other jerk behavior on the parts of corporate executives. You with me???

J.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

This is Denver. Adapt.

Due to the fact that Denver is doing well, when so many other places are “tanking,” we have had an influx of out-of-towners. Some of these out-of-towners have graciously retained me as their transition coach.

I am seeing patterns, often from Californians or East Coasters, that are, however, costing them both credibility and jobs in the Denver Metro/Colorado Front Range areas. Here are some vital things to do and some things to avoid.

1). You are in Denver, not in L.A., the Bay area, N.Y., Boston, D.C., Chicago, Atlanta or anywhere else. Realize that Denver has its very own culture. Much of this culture goes to our past, but much of it we, who are long-term Coloradoans (which, the idiot Denver Post aside, is the correct way to indicate someone from Colorado….too many employees of the Post are from the East Coast) have developed this culture deliberately. We are certainly NOT going to change it for you, and don’t want to…and don’t have to. Our unique culture is one of the big draws to our area, and one of the reasons why we were chosen for the Democratic National Convention, and many other huge events, which is a primary part of our economy. It is our culture. If you don’t like it….I-70 goes both East and West.

2). Stop being pushy and impatient. Part of our culture is that things are slower here. We like it that way. We are a “lifestyle” town, not a “business town.” Unlike ugly places like Chicago, D.C. or, heaven help us, L.A., we have lots of other things to bring people to Denver other than business. Look at the mountains, the activities, and breathe the air. THIS is why people are here, not just to get business done “yesterday.” We are not going to get things done as quickly. There will be some delays due to weather and other realities of living in Denver. Get used to it if you want to live here. Otherwise….I-70.

3). Quitcher Bitching! Denver has a positive culture. I see too many people, especially from the Coasts, constantly bitching and griping about things. This “ain’t” New York! Your negativity and bitching is costing you lots of credibility and jobs.

4). Chill. You’re probably coming across as aggressive and arrogant. I don’t care if you agree with me or not. It is how you’re coming across. You can listen to me and get a clue and begin to act in a way that Denverites like or you can remain unemployed for a long time. The decision, as always, is yours. But this is almost certainly why you’ve lost some positions or haven’t even gotten referred to them.

5). Understand that over 90% of the real jobs in Denver are found through networking.
Don’t fuss with your résumé. Don’t waste time on the Internet. Find good networking groups (I am happy to send you a list for free if you just send a request to info@heckersdevgroup.com and put NETWORKING in the subject line, and give me your name and last or current title). Go to these networking groups. Get well-networked with “old” Denverites. If you don’t, I hope you like daytime T.V. a lot.

6). Be polite to everyone here, regardless of title or position. If you’re rude to the waiter or waitress at lunch like you might be used to being in your old town, don’t expect an offer. Denverites are “nice” people and tend to treat everyone with respect. If you don’t, you’ll just be pegged as a “jerk.”

7). If you retain a coach, an attorney, an accountant or other “service” personnel, don’t act like they’re your employee. They’re not. This attitude does not work at all in Denver. Be very nice to the professionals you retain. We have plenty of business and tend to boot rude and crude people out of our practices here….and let others know that you’re rude and crude.

8). Don’t flash your money here. How do you know you’re in Colorado? A $500K a year executive is driving a 10 year old Subaru with an $1,800.00 bike on a $900.00 bike rack…and is dressed in jeans, hiking boots and a flannel shirt. While a couple of the “transient” developments might be impressed with your money, most of us are not. People in Denver are generally not for sale. Their souls are especially not for sale. Flashing your money clip here just marks you as a jerk again. This is triply true if you have an Eastern or Texas accent.

9). “Formal” means you wear socks…except when it doesn’t. Make sure you know the “dress code” here for every event you go to. Some events that you’d think you need to get dressed up for, you shouldn’t, and others that you’d think would be casual aren’t. We who are Denverites usually know when. Ask someone who knows.

And…

10). Cut the number of words coming out of your mouth by at least 75%. And stop interrupting people all the time. And you don’t need to speak at the top of your lungs in a restaurant. Turn off your damned cell phone during meals. Stop monopolizing the conversation. Nobody cares about what you did in your old town or how important you were. You aren’t that important here until you’ve earned your “Denver” stripes.

Most people from the Coasts or Chicago talk too much. Please shut up and let others speak, too. Don’t expect that they’ll be as rude as you are and just “push in.” Yes, I know this happens in New York and Pittsburg, but here it is just plain rude, crude and socially unacceptable. Try this crap in an interview and you’re out, out, out.

So, out of towners….behave yourselves. You are in a different culture. We like our culture here. If you don’t, remember what I said about I-70. We’ve had this culture since the town was built. We certainly aren’t going to change it for you. Because, believe it or not, you are notGod’s own bright shining star in the Universe over everyone else.

Adapt to Denver. Don’t expect us to adapt to you. I’ve seen hundreds of out of towners come and take I-70 or I-76 or I-25 outta here. We’re still here. And, if you don’t adapt and learn to act like a Denverite and a Coloradoan, we’ll still be here long after you’ve tucked your tail between your legs and slunk away back to the Coast.

OR, you can adapt and be welcomed here in the Mile High City and the most beautiful state in the Union. Colorado has some of the most intelligent people in America living here, as well as some of the best educated, most spiritual, and healthiest. Assume we know something that others don’t and get to work at becoming one of us. We’d really like to be able to welcome you with open arms.

Oh, and if you're from out of town and need help to learn how to be a Coloradoan, and can actually be coachable instead of arguing with me, give me a call at 720.581.4301. I'll be very happy to help and to set up an appointment to advise you.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Where Have You Been???

Dear Readers:

I've had some folks ask me where we've been, as it has been a couple of months since we posted on this site. Sorry 'bout that.

I have spent all of my writing time writing, editing and preparing some new books for publication over this summer. The first is In Transition: Rapidly Finding Your Next Executive Job (Even in Difficult Times), which was shipped from the publishers on Thursday, June 25th! Our next book is The Six Figure Resume Guide which will be shipped in about two weeks. By August, we'll have a book for non-executive white collar personnel called Getting Employed (Even in Difficult Times). This book gives effective strategies for non-executive personnel to find employment, including over 400 killer interview questions and how to answer them. By September, our book 1001 Killer Interview Questions and Their Answers (working title....we haven't decided on a final yet) will be out. Then, finally (at least for a little while) we're putting out a career management book the working title for which is Highly Cynical Career Management Techniques.

Some of these have DVDs to go along with them. In Transition has two associated DVDs currently in editing. The first DVD is a multiple DVD set with over 6 hours of training on finding executive employment. This will be about a 4 DVD set. We also have a 2 DVD set on answering the 4 "biggie" killer questions, with footage of actual clients answering these questions. I'll put up on my management blog sites further informaiton as it becomes available. Our wonderul internet publicist, Keith Eckhardt, is tirelessly working to get the DVDs finished and put up venues to allow people to buy these books and sets. If you'd like more information on these, please feel free to go to info@heckersdevgroup.com.

So...to make a long story endless....and to quote the Governator....we'll be baaack....very soon.

I hope you're having a great summer!

J

Saturday, March 7, 2009

We're Doing Something Right

The unemployment figures Friday are, indeed, frightening. When the number of people who are unemployed and underemployed are added together, an astounding number, 15%, of Americans are unemployed. This is hitting the Executive Sector especially hard.

However, I want to give you a ray of hope. Our clients, even those who are very difficult to employ, are getting employed very rapidly. Our average for "C" Level clients is less than 7 months. The national average for "C" Level client is at 24 months and climbing. Our average for VP Level Candidates is less than 6 months. And our average for Director Level executives is slightly more than 4 months.

One of our "C" Level clients is 70 years old, and worked in non-profit...and is employed. He entered our program in November, and the date of his employment was in February. Another CFO client is trying to decide between which of his opportunities he should take. And we have similar success stories for VPs and Directors.

What we're doing right is hooking people into our extensive network of alumni and current clients to get them employed in this economy. Everyone who is being hired at the executive level is being hired through networking at a very high level. Our network is second to none, since Nicole and I are lifetime residents of Denver and the Front Range. We have even helped numerous out of town clients get jobs in the Denver and Front Range areas.

While I don't like to use this blog space for advertising what we do, we're doing many things right and our people are getting employed. We limit the number of people we take and we are not cheap, We cost between two weeks' and six weeks' salary for executives. Considering, however, how many months we cut off of the job search, can you really afford not to talk to us?

We don't take everyone who comes to us. We do not work with "linear" in-the-box, concrete thinkers, so if you're one of the hide-bound dinosaurs of Corporate America, please don't bother. But we'll be happy to speak with you and see if we can help in any way for those holistic, organic, out-of-the-box thinkers that America needs now. Our number for a free evaluation is 303.480.5484, and we welcome your call and look forward to coffee with you.

If you're tired of daytime TV, we'd love to help.

Please note, we work only with Director Level, VP Level and "C" Level (CXO Level) Clients. We are a fee-paid service, and require a portion of our fee before beginning our program. We do not work with people "pro bono," nor "on contingency," and we are not recruiters. For more information on us, go to www.heckersdevgroup.com or www.heckersdevelopmentgroup.com for the HTML site.


J.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Executives and Money Issues

One of the biggest obstacles to executives becoming employed is their attitude about money. It isn’t surprising that money is the center of existence for many executives. After all, they went into business, not social work. When I was growing up, our old Monsignor said to me “John, the most sensitive part of the human anatomy is the wallet. You can grab a man by the privates and he won’t scream as loud as if you grab him by the wallet.” Father Schmidt, may he rest in peace, was so right!
However, as with most things that we hold near and dear, money can also be the source of our derailment as executives. The problems here are numerous. It is time for some tough talk around money issues and where executives are on this most sensitive part of their anatomy.

1). Fear. There was a billionaire in Paris who, in this recent financial crisis, lost about 1/3rd of his billions. He committed suicide because he was financially ruined. Now, before you laugh and point too hard, I’ve seen executive after executive get to almost the same point when, really, very little of their income has been reduced.
As an example, our fee to help executives, with an incredible success rate, is less than a month’s salary. Considering that our folks average about $220K per annum, plus bonuses, it is substantially less than a month’s salary.
And, consider that a fee for an executive coach is an investment in one’s main channel of income…to increase it dramatically. Yet you’d think with some folks that I was asking them to empty their bank accounts, take off their Rolex, and hand me the keys to the Mercedes!
Many of our executives bitch and gripe about paying for parking at some of the events. Or paying $350.00 to join an association to meet other executives. Or buying a few new suits. Or even a very good haircut (we have someone to whom we send our executives to fix their hair).
Executives are cheap, cheap, cheap, in many instances. Yes, this probably means you! This attitude of paying the least possible for things to support and assist your career search, simply because you are temporarily without income, is very counterproductive.
But the executives are often nowhere near as cheap as their spouses, especially the wives (although I certainly know a few very cheap hubbies!). The thought of {{{gasp!}}} paying money to help to get a $250K a year job much more rapidly sends them into an anxiety attack. This is also incredibly counterproductive.

2). Misunderestimating. Sorry, folks, couldn’t resist. The fact is that when executives look at their bank accounts, they see a yawning chasm where there might be Mt. Everest. Until recently, Bill Gates could never see that he had enough. He was consistently panicked about making more and more and more and more money. This is a pathology. It is also a black hole. All the money in the world will not make someone internally insecure into someone secure. All this talk about “financial security” is so much hooey. What is often going on is a need to be in control of all situations. As this is impossible on this plane of existence, no amount of money is ever going to be enough.
What has to happen is to look at one’s “burn rate.” From the burn rate, calculate how many months you are able to exist. Then ask what you can do to reduce the burn rate. Do you really need that cruise? I’ve seen people balk at spending money on the things that will get them a new job, but spend money on a new car, a vacation, an expensive present, and so on. Reduce the burn rate as much as possible!
Then look at what to spend money and time on that will reduce the amount of time that you will be looking for a job. This might be a transition coach, group and association fees, clothing, travel to a city you want to move to, etc. Get your priorities straight! A new car is not as important as a fee to a major networking group that will put you into contact with other top executives and people in your community immediately. Yes, a new car might make you feel better about yourself, but is your three year old Mercedes really ready to be put out to pasture?

3). Stretch your money. Do some intelligent things with your money. You might consider moving into some safer investments for a time. You might consider putting the extra home up for sale. What about simply garaging the third car and taking it off of insurance for a while until you’re re-employed. How about a very temporary consulting assignment in November, December, and late June through mid-September when executive hiring is at a “low” anyway? Howsabout cutting back on some of the kids’ activities? (It is good for the kids to feel the cold hand of reality sometimes, too.) Does your spouse really need to go to the spa every week? And so on.
This blog is written to upper management and executives. If you’re not one of these folks and reading this anyway, you probably think I’m being pretty nasty and exaggerating. I’m not. This is the way these folks live. (I don’t, and even most of my clients don’t, but a large enough proportion of them do, that I know whereof I speak!) Those of you who do live this way…you look really silly to the rest of the nation who would love to have your problems right now. Which brings me to…

4). Get real about your situation in life. You wife is sobbing because you have to put the country club membership on hold for a few months. Well, brother, the wife of one of the people who you passed in the hall every day at Lehman Brothers is crying because she can’t pay the mortgage on their three bedroom, modest home, and the cable has been turned off, and there isn’t enough food in the fridge to feed the family. Grow up! Get real about your situation. Many of you are not in any real trouble. Yes, your lifestyle isn’t going to be the same. But you, too, were part of the problem that led to this. (For whom did you vote in previous elections? What belief systems do you have about the economy? What decisions did you make at your company that contributed to the current economic crisis? We’re all in this together, folks, including me.)
So, get real about money. Even your “broke” is not truly broke. You can still pay the mortgage, keep the heat on, put food in the fridge, etc., even if it means tapping your IRAs and investments. Some very hard working and good people don’t have IRAs and investments to tap, can’t pay for the simple necessities of life, and had almost nothing to do with the current crisis (whereas we all did at our levels). Frankly, I’m surprised these people are not rioting in the streets, pulling us out of our homes and taking them over. This is what would happen in these situations in most other countries. It speaks to the quality of Americans that they haven’t done so…yet.

5). Greed. Greed (and stupidity) is what brought us to the current economic crisis. Greed isn’t going to get us out of it. Be real about what salary and benefits you’re going to be making. Don’t try to hold up an employer for more than the market will bear. Don’t try to hang on to all your money. Dip into the IRAs if necessary, and liquidate the investments. Hey, given the volatility of the market, you might be glad you did!

Here’s the bottom line. Now is the time to stop collecting and hoarding and spend a bit to get going on your job search. Don’t be stingy or greedy. Don’t hold out for every penny you can make. And don’t hold on to every inch of your lifestyle. This might be your wake-up call from the Universe. Get real about your money!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Idiocy in the Job Search (or: Hey! This is an EMPLOYER’S Market!)

I’ve had my eyes opened. We have a need for someone to expand our business…and we’ve seen many résumés, with 2 out of about 60 we really like. We posted with our partners and friends at Jobing.com, who have, by the way, done a great job of helping out. (www.jobing.com. If you are an applicant, register with them now. If an employer with a job opening, ask for Craig Hakes at 303.227.3377 and post your description with them. Let them know I sent you.)

To respond to this post, either comment below or email me at jheckers@heckersdevgroup.com. I welcome your comments.

But the lack of intelligence and old fashioned manners in the job-seeker world is truly amazing! So, let my bad experience be your education, as always. Here are a few really stupid human tricks that some of our applicants have done.

1). Ignored the post entirely. Our post clearly says up front that people applying any other way than instructed will be automatically not considered. Then it gives a set of things we have to have before we talk to someone, including reading one of our blogs and replying to a couple of questions that are posted there (so we know that the person read it.) Out of the 60 résumés, only two followed the directions completely. This proves that they are not bright enough to be employed anywhere (except, maybe, the Post Office or the TSA), much less at our firm.

2). Got nasty. When I didn’t just delete these congenital idiots who couldn’t follow simple directions, but sent them back instructions asking them to apply again, some got nasty and told me I was rude, proving the point that no good deed goes unpunished (I shoulda just deleted them rather than giving them a second chance). Even if I had been, what kind of houseplant IQ does it take not to say something ridiculous like that to a potential employer, hmmmm? Never criticize an employer. If you don’t like what they require or want from you, don’t apply.

3). Showed ignorance. We’re trying to hire someone to serve as a Career Coach Associate. One of the duties is writing résumés, which we’ll train them on. But several of the résumés had major misspellings and misuse of words. I think that these folks probably didn’t make the grade. (The two people I liked did everything right, BTW….great résumés, read the blog, followed directions — proving that I did not pose an insurmountable test or anything.)

4). Sent canned responses. This is in part an extension of #1, as we said “NO CANNED COVER LETTERS,” and asked for a statement of 500 words or less telling us why they wanted to work for our firm. Instead several job seekers sent a canned cover letter that had absolutely nothing to do with the position or any information we wanted. Duh.

5). Didn’t even use our names. If the name of the person to whom you’re applying is in the job posting — ummmm….use it! Not doing so is incredibly rude, as well as un-bright.

6). Applied even though they had 20% of the qualifications or less. That 20% consisted of being able to breathe air and be of the human species (for some, I wasn't sure that "being of the human species" applied..). Really, in some of the résumés that is the only similarity I can find to anything in the job description.

When you do this you’re wasting everyone’s time, and really torquing off an employer. “Papering” your résumé is just plain idiotic. Don’t do it!

7). Applied to the wrong email address. Once again, follow directions. How many working brain cells does it take to send an email to the correct email address when it is sitting there with a link on it?

8). Just forwarded their “Jobing” profile without even a canned cover letter. It is bad enough to get a “canned” cover letter, but to just get a profile…sent to the wrong email address…with none of the qualifications for the job…and numerous misspellings…well, these people need to go on Welfare, because no employer who needs someone who can even use a broom well will hire these people.

9). Send really offensive cover letters. One guy started out his ridiculous cover letter with “Congratulations! Your search for the right person is over!” Yeah. Whatever. I'll make that decision, thank you, not you. Don’t send hokey stuff like that, people. It just marks you out as someone who will be a “salesy” employee who will apply high pressure sales person type tactics to your clients or customers and make them so angry that they’ll go to your competitors. I would prefer to slowly slice off vital parts of my anatomy than to subject my great clients to a high pressure loser like that. And please don’t tell me, the employer, what decision I need to make.

Be humble when you write. I don’t mind someone saying “I believe I am the right person for the job,” and giving me examples that mirror the job description to tell me why. I like it, in fact.

What I really hate, though, is someone who tells me that I'm the idiot if I don’t hire him (this is a mistake usually made by the male of the species), and doesn’t give me one good reason why I should.

10). Telling me that I’m looking for impossible qualifications (or that I don’t pay enough). Out of 60 résumés, we have two good ones. We always knew that we were seeking a special individual. But the fact that two people did have the qualifications and thought the salary range was good is proof that we simply asked for the improbable and difficult, not the impossible. Besides which, I do the improbable and the difficult at least 3 or 4 times a day. The impossible I only perform once or twice a week. If I had received no viable candidates, well, maybe they’re right. But two out of 60 is actually a good “hit” ratio, since we’re seeking someone who fits into our unique culture and has high` intelligence.

I could go on, but I won’t. The upshot is this. It is an employer’s market. You aren’t going to get anywhere by being nasty, rude, not following directions, or generally acting stupid.

If you do fit, follow the instructions and apply, remember it is still an employer’s world. You aren’t in control now and you won’t be in control after you get hired — if you’re lucky enough to be hired. Also remember that the amendment that would have required employers to give a reason for firing someone was withdrawn. Employers in Colorado and most other states can fire you for any reason whatsoever or no reason at all. While you could get away with a great deal of crap in a tight labor market, real unemployment now is hovering around 12%, regardless of what the government propaganda says.

If you don’t want to be part of the “unemployed” statistic, polish your shoes and your attitude, be polite and deferential and generally behave yourself.

Good hunting,

J.