Idiocy in the Job Search (or: Hey! This is an EMPLOYER’S Market!)

I’ve had my eyes opened. We have a need for someone to expand our business…and we’ve seen many résumés, with 2 out of about 60 we really like. We posted with our partners and friends at Jobing.com, who have, by the way, done a great job of helping out. (www.jobing.com. If you are an applicant, register with them now. If an employer with a job opening, ask for Craig Hakes at 303.227.3377 and post your description with them. Let them know I sent you.)

To respond to this post, either comment below or email me at jheckers@heckersdevgroup.com. I welcome your comments.

But the lack of intelligence and old fashioned manners in the job-seeker world is truly amazing! So, let my bad experience be your education, as always. Here are a few really stupid human tricks that some of our applicants have done.

1). Ignored the post entirely. Our post clearly says up front that people applying any other way than instructed will be automatically not considered. Then it gives a set of things we have to have before we talk to someone, including reading one of our blogs and replying to a couple of questions that are posted there (so we know that the person read it.) Out of the 60 résumés, only two followed the directions completely. This proves that they are not bright enough to be employed anywhere (except, maybe, the Post Office or the TSA), much less at our firm.

2). Got nasty. When I didn’t just delete these congenital idiots who couldn’t follow simple directions, but sent them back instructions asking them to apply again, some got nasty and told me I was rude, proving the point that no good deed goes unpunished (I shoulda just deleted them rather than giving them a second chance). Even if I had been, what kind of houseplant IQ does it take not to say something ridiculous like that to a potential employer, hmmmm? Never criticize an employer. If you don’t like what they require or want from you, don’t apply.

3). Showed ignorance. We’re trying to hire someone to serve as a Career Coach Associate. One of the duties is writing résumés, which we’ll train them on. But several of the résumés had major misspellings and misuse of words. I think that these folks probably didn’t make the grade. (The two people I liked did everything right, BTW….great résumés, read the blog, followed directions — proving that I did not pose an insurmountable test or anything.)

4). Sent canned responses. This is in part an extension of #1, as we said “NO CANNED COVER LETTERS,” and asked for a statement of 500 words or less telling us why they wanted to work for our firm. Instead several job seekers sent a canned cover letter that had absolutely nothing to do with the position or any information we wanted. Duh.

5). Didn’t even use our names. If the name of the person to whom you’re applying is in the job posting — ummmm….use it! Not doing so is incredibly rude, as well as un-bright.

6). Applied even though they had 20% of the qualifications or less. That 20% consisted of being able to breathe air and be of the human species (for some, I wasn't sure that "being of the human species" applied..). Really, in some of the résumés that is the only similarity I can find to anything in the job description.

When you do this you’re wasting everyone’s time, and really torquing off an employer. “Papering” your résumé is just plain idiotic. Don’t do it!

7). Applied to the wrong email address. Once again, follow directions. How many working brain cells does it take to send an email to the correct email address when it is sitting there with a link on it?

8). Just forwarded their “Jobing” profile without even a canned cover letter. It is bad enough to get a “canned” cover letter, but to just get a profile…sent to the wrong email address…with none of the qualifications for the job…and numerous misspellings…well, these people need to go on Welfare, because no employer who needs someone who can even use a broom well will hire these people.

9). Send really offensive cover letters. One guy started out his ridiculous cover letter with “Congratulations! Your search for the right person is over!” Yeah. Whatever. I'll make that decision, thank you, not you. Don’t send hokey stuff like that, people. It just marks you out as someone who will be a “salesy” employee who will apply high pressure sales person type tactics to your clients or customers and make them so angry that they’ll go to your competitors. I would prefer to slowly slice off vital parts of my anatomy than to subject my great clients to a high pressure loser like that. And please don’t tell me, the employer, what decision I need to make.

Be humble when you write. I don’t mind someone saying “I believe I am the right person for the job,” and giving me examples that mirror the job description to tell me why. I like it, in fact.

What I really hate, though, is someone who tells me that I'm the idiot if I don’t hire him (this is a mistake usually made by the male of the species), and doesn’t give me one good reason why I should.

10). Telling me that I’m looking for impossible qualifications (or that I don’t pay enough). Out of 60 résumés, we have two good ones. We always knew that we were seeking a special individual. But the fact that two people did have the qualifications and thought the salary range was good is proof that we simply asked for the improbable and difficult, not the impossible. Besides which, I do the improbable and the difficult at least 3 or 4 times a day. The impossible I only perform once or twice a week. If I had received no viable candidates, well, maybe they’re right. But two out of 60 is actually a good “hit” ratio, since we’re seeking someone who fits into our unique culture and has high` intelligence.

I could go on, but I won’t. The upshot is this. It is an employer’s market. You aren’t going to get anywhere by being nasty, rude, not following directions, or generally acting stupid.

If you do fit, follow the instructions and apply, remember it is still an employer’s world. You aren’t in control now and you won’t be in control after you get hired — if you’re lucky enough to be hired. Also remember that the amendment that would have required employers to give a reason for firing someone was withdrawn. Employers in Colorado and most other states can fire you for any reason whatsoever or no reason at all. While you could get away with a great deal of crap in a tight labor market, real unemployment now is hovering around 12%, regardless of what the government propaganda says.

If you don’t want to be part of the “unemployed” statistic, polish your shoes and your attitude, be polite and deferential and generally behave yourself.

Good hunting,

J.